“That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.”
I have been feeling very depressed lately because I haven’t had an ounce of energy to accomplish the things that I want to during the days. I really just have not felt good in too long. It takes every thing in me to get up in the morning and to get myself together. I went to see an Oncologist/Hematologist and I found out that I am extremely anemic, more so than I had originally thought. My actual iron level is a 10 and my other levels were so low, one was 2 percent and the normal range is between 40 percent and higher. For majority of people with Anemia, it can be easy to treat with Iron pills or diet changes but unfortunately with my digestion issues I am just not absorbing nearly enough. I will be going in for a set of four, one hour IV transfusions of Iron over a four week period. It will be hard, I will have to take anti-nausea medication which they will be putting in the IV because the Iron really makes me sick. I had to do a transfusion over six years ago and it was really tough as the release to the bloodstream can cause a lot of joint pain, nausea, flu-like symptoms that can last for awhile. The good news is that after the four weeks I should start to feel better as my red blood cells increase and in turn give me some energy that I so terribly need!
My Thyroid is also enlarged which most likely means it’s still too low and not working well enough. I think it’s all in relation to my poor digestion and absorption. My seratonin is also extremely low. I have been dealing with health issues since I was first diagnosed with a Hiatal Hernia and Gerd at the age of nine. When I was sixteen they found Endometriosis and Celiac Disease. Then the Fibromyalgia. then the Gastroparesis. It’s honestly been one thing after another for most of my life. I sometimes can’t imagine what it would be like to wake up and not have to be in pain or to feel sick. I can’t imagine going through the day not worrying about my health. I have experienced so much pain in my life but I have also been blessed with such an amazing support system and I have worked my hardest to be as positive as possible. I will not give up on myself because there is just too much I want to accomplish in my life. Too many things I want to see and do. I won’t give up no matter how much harder it gets although I pray every day it will get better as the years go on.
I was hesitant about posting this entry at first because I did not want it to seem like I was in any way complaining and I have also been very private about a lot of my health issues because I don’t like feeling like a burden to others. The thing is, I not only want my blog to be a place where I can blog about things that I love or things that inspire me and things that are beautiful but I also want to be open and honest about my struggles and my pain and hopefully give some sort of comfort to anyone else out there who is going through anything similar or who can relate. At the end of the day you can turn anything into something beautiful, even pain.
I am posting this entry for anyone out there who is suffering with pain. I know how hard it is. I know how exhausting it is. I know it feels like nothing will ever change and no matter what you do it never gets better. I know you also feel like no one could possibly understand but I promise you there are people who understand and I am one of them. Think of your pain as a purpose, a learning process, a twisted gift of sorts in order for you to become a more compassionate, patient and stronger person. Think of all of the little things in life that you don’t take for granted because you know how easily it can be tainted by pain. Live in the moment and no matter how bad the pain gets, never ever give up on yourself.