The Pain and Joy of Newness.

I wake up with the shakes if I don’t have a cup of coffee. one month of drinking it nearly every day and my body is already addicted. My thoughts have been keeping me up at night. I go to bed with so many ideas in my head and I can’t find a way to shut it off. There is something about silence combined with the darkness that provokes relentless thinking. I am overwhelmed with possibilities and the biggest thing holding me back is that I wouldn’t know where to start. howto start. I wish there were a way to erase painful memories. I think I’d do it if I could. I am craving sunshine and the sound of seagulls. Sometimes I wish I could transform into a body that has felt no pain so that i’d have nothing to fear, nothing to anticipate. It’s hard for some to understand the inner turmoil I go through whenever I am invited out somewhere out of my comfort zone. It is not because I don’t wish to go because I always do, it’s just so hard to convey to someone how chronic pain leaves you in a constant state of terror for the next time it may hit. It’s just hard, really hard. I don’t know how better to say it.I have been emailing, texting, talking & skyping with Nour every day for the past month or so. She has become a vital part of my life. I truly adore her. I just find it amazing how you can know someone for a short amount of time and yet feel so much closer with them than people you have known your entire life. To be able to open up to someone and tell them your deepest fears and desires and to know that they just get you without having to even explain yourself that much is… indescribable. It’s fucking amazing, honestly.

I keep going back and fourth between what I want to do for a career. I get my mind set on something and then I start thinking of something else. It drives me nuts. I didn’t sign up for the Institute of Integrative Nutrition yet. It’s a $5,000 investment and I would have to take out a loan. It’s a big thing to take on. The other issue is that I don’t know how quickly I would find work after finishing. That’s where the Esthetics comes back in to my mind and makes me think I would not only make more money but would have many more options for work after graduating. There are a few positives and negatives for each. The Esthetics school that I already visited and really, really was impressed by is in NYC and so I would have to commute once I am living on Long Island. Which isn’t a HUGE deal considering it would be only on the weekends and would probably be a good thing for me, honestly and the school takes financial aid so I would not have to take out any loans. On the other hand Institute for Integrative Nutrition is online and so I could do it from wherever but would have to take out a loan and not be sure of getting a good job afterwards. This is why I am so confused. I talked to Matthew about it yesterday and we both agreed the best thing would be for us to find an apartment and get settled in so that I can know where I am living at before I make any decisions of where I am going to go to school and work, etc. I think that’s the best idea. Once I am in a stable living situation I think things will become a a lot clearer to me. In the mean time I am going to keep researching the differences between both schools and figuring out my possibilities.

I am going back to Long Island this weekend and am excited to look at apartments and spend time with Matthew and see Melissa whom I haven’t seen in a few months and miss terribly. I am also going to spend more quality time with Natasha and hopefully have some hangout time with miss Ali as well. I love my friends so much.

Despite the stress I am actually quite happy right now. It feels good to have so many possibilities.