At dawn, a fortnight overdue,
Jostling the doors, and tearing through
My bedroom to rejoin the cloud, I know—for I can hear the hiss
And scrape of leaves along the floor—
How may boughs, lashed bare by this,
Will rake the cluttered sky once more.
Tardy, and somewhat south of east,
The sun will rise at length, made known
More by the meagre light increased
Than by a disk in splendour shown;
When, having but to turn my head,
Through the stripped maple I shall see,
Bleak and remembered, patched with red,
The hill all summer hid from me.
– Edna St. Vincent Millay, Autumn Daybreak
i love autumn
it makes my heart full.
i want to carve pumpkins
and make apple cider
and apple pie
and drink tea
while reading a book
covered up in thick blankets
and knee-high socks.
life has been hitting me with one big obstacle after another lately and i am doing my best to keep my head up and to not let myself get too down regardless of any of the outcomes. things have been incredibly stressful though and so i have been getting back into yoga and thanks to talia, learning a lot about meditation. it is going to be so good for every part of my body. i need to somehow force myself to do it everyday. it’s a must for my nerves.
i wasn’t able to travel to long island for two months because of how sick i have been. it’s been incredibly frustrating to have a mind that is so ready to wander and have experiences and to be inside of a body that won’t allow me to do anything i want to. i just have to give in sometimes and accept that i cannot do everything. thankfully though i was able to go this past week and see natasha, melissa and paige. and of course spend more time with matthew… even though he has been coming to massachusetts to see me every weekend basically. it was nice to get away for awhile.
my latest test results came back and showed that i have something called “gastroparesis” and it is just another condition to add to my already too big of a list health issues. instead of stressing out about it (which will only make everything worse) i am doing everything in my power to figure out how to fix it. i am going to boston soon to meet with a team of doctors at mass general hospital. they are going to do a number of tests on me (as if i haven’t had enough as is. i already had 5 procedures in the past 2 months) but regardless it has to be done. i am confident that someone will be able to help me. i am also working with a dedicated chiropractor who is very passionate about his work and helping me. i have so much support and that is what is getting me through all of this.
i do not know where i would be without them.
and my amazing love monster/bunny/shark of a puppy ❤